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November 9, 2024
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Wannabe Bond villains and walking on water: The alternative Olympic awards

Wannabe Bond villains and walking on water: The alternative Olympic awards

The tourists are checking out of their hotels. The venues are having their sponsored signs reinstated. The medals are awarded. Some are even at home already, encased in special presentational cabinets or, if left exposed to the elements, degrading alarmingly quickly.

Yes, the Olympics are almost over. But dry your eyes and prepare to stand, if you are able, for one final time as we recognise our alternative medallists for Paris 2024.

Most disappointed tourist

Bronze: The wife of Gianmarco Tamberi
Silver: Adam Peaty
Gold: Italian swimming commentator

Italian high jumper Tamberi had the honour of holding his country’s flag for the opening ceremony. Unfortunately, he was overeager with his waving duties and his wedding ring fell into the Seine. Peaty was unimpressed with the food on offer in the athlete’s village. “I like my fish and people are finding worms in it,” he said. “It’s just not good enough.” Fair enough. And spare a thought for the world’s journalists who have had to cope with seriously suboptimal coffee in the media centres. This predictably did not fly with our colleagues from Italy, who complained that it tasted as if it had been made from water from the Seine.

People’s champion

Bronze: Bob the cap catcher
Silver: Raygun
Gold: Snoop Dogg

As anyone who has been to an Olympics will tell you, it is the volunteers who are the real stars. Well, aside from the athletes. But full marks nevertheless to Bob the cap catcher, the Speedo-trunked hero who dived into the pool to rescue a cap which had sunk to the bottom. Raygun gave us Australia’s answer to Eddie the Eagle with her efforts in the breaking but Snoop Dogg was the ubiquitous MVP of Paris with his effortless low-key laughs and a genuinely punishing schedule that seemed designed to take him to all 476 of this summer’s sports.

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