In a perfect world, everyone you love would be with someone who values them and treats them right. And — bonus points — that person would be someone you vibe with so you can all hang out together blissfully into old age. But that doesn’t always happen.
One of the most frustrating friendship conundrums is watching one of your friends date someone who you can’t stand. As a person who wants the best for your mate, this delicate situation can leave you with a crippling decision to make: Do you tell your friend how you truly feel about their partner, insinuating that they should consider breaking up with them? Or do you mind your business and keep your thoughts to yourself?
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If your friend is in an abusive relationship or is being harmed in any way, relationship experts say you should treat the situation urgently and be direct about your concerns. But in most other cases, the answer becomes more complex.
“It’s totally OK to say, ‘I really don’t like your partner,’ ” says Aaron Martin, a queer marriage and family therapist based in San Francisco. “At the same time, be prepared to deal with the fallout that ensues with that level of transparency and honesty.”
Telling a buddy how you feel about their partner can be tricky because there’s a chance they could get upset, defensive or, even more painful, shun you. One thing experts say you definitely shouldn’t do, though, is demand that they break up with their partner.
Whenever you tell someone what they need to do, “you are removing their sense of autonomy and that’s a big thing you need to feel happy and fulfilled,” says Danielle Bayard Jackson, an author, host and coach who specializes in female friendships. “That’s why ultimatums tend to not go over well.” (Have you watched “The Ultimatum” on Netflix?)
It’s a sensitive situation to navigate, but there are respectful ways to express your disapproval and concern without telling your friend what to do. Here’s how therapists and relationship coaches say you can tackle the conversation.
Do you have a valid concern?
Before saying anything to your friend, it’s essential to understand why you have an issue with their partner in the first place. Fabiola Wong, an L.A.-based relationship coach, recommends asking yourself this question: “What about this situation is upsetting to me?” and then dig deeper from there.
Our emotions provide us with data points, but they don’t necessarily paint the full picture. Sometimes we simply don’t gel with someone — everyone’s not for everyone, Martin says. Being aware of your underlying feelings can help you frame the conversation with your friend. “If I find him annoying, that means that maybe I’m going to come in a little bit pettier than usual,” says Martin. “Maybe I’m going to come in already in a mood.” Also, finding someone irritating or not vibing with their sense of humor isn’t a good enough reason to tell your friend to dump them — be sure you have a logical concern.
Experts suggest checking your motives as well and ensuring that you have your friend’s best interest in mind — not your own. Do you miss the amount of time you used to spend with your friend when they were single? Are you jealous of their relationship? It’s possible that your own triggers or relationship trauma could be influencing how you feel about your friend’s partner.
What if my friend is complaining to me about their partner?
If your friend is venting to you about issues they are having with their partner and you aren’t sure if it’s a good time to share your concerns, experts say it’s fine to ask them if they want you to be a listening ear or to provide feedback. You can say, “I don’t know if it’s OK to share some things because I have thoughts or if you just need to get this out, which I’m totally cool with,” says Bayard Jackson, who’s the author of “Fighting for Our Friendships” and host of the podcast Friend Forward.
“It might feel formal if you’re not used to doing that, but it’s a good way to gauge and to help satisfy [their] need for emotional support because if [they are] just needing to vent, I’m clarifying,” she adds. You can also bring up the conversation on your own and lead with vulnerability by saying something like, “I have some really strong thoughts about this, but I’m nervous that you’re going to get upset with me.”
“Tone is important. We can speak our truth, but sometimes we do so so bluntly that it can be harsh and judgmental and truth doesn’t have to be harsh.”
— Tiera Couch, a clinical social worker who specializes in relational trauma and anxiety
Tiera Couch, an L.A.-based clinical social worker who specializes in relational trauma and anxiety, encourages people to preface the conversation with all of the things that could go wrong. You can say, “I’m not trying to judge you or influence your choices. I’m sharing this because I care about you. This is not a personal feeling.”
“Be conscious of your friend and how they receive information,” says Couch, the owner of Unfcked Therapy and Wellness. “Tone is important. We can speak our truth, but sometimes we do so so bluntly that it can be harsh and judgmental and truth doesn’t have to be harsh.” Every friendship is different, and while some people may prefer to be told things without sugar coating, others may like a more gentle approach.
Focus on your friend, not their partner
Once you’ve prefaced your intentions, Bayard Jackson suggests focusing on the dynamic of your friend’s relationship rather than on their partner. Rather than saying, “He’s rude,” for example, you can say something like, “I’ve noticed that you are reserved when he is around, which is so unlike you” or “I think your partner is holding you back from your goals.”
“I’m not trying to make you see how flawed this person is,” she says. “I’m going to point to you and tell you that as my friend this is what I noticed about you.” That’s harder to contest rather than calling their partner a jerk, for example.
Like in any conflict, it’s possible that your friend might get defensive or think that this conversation is coming out of left field, which is why it’s crucial to show them empathy. Does your friend live with their partner? Are their finances entangled? Do they have a child or pet together? “All of these things make life exponentially more complicated than ‘Hey, I’m choosing to leave this person,’ ” says Martin.
What happens if they stay together?
Of course there’s a chance that your friend may ignore your advice and choose to stay in the relationship. Also, they may continue to bring their partner around or vent to you about them, both of which are awkward. Experts suggest setting boundaries for yourself.
If you can’t stand the idea of being around your friend’s partner, you can be honest with your mate about your discomfort, Bayard Jackson says. “But if you’re willing to do short-term hangouts, then you can ask for balance … hopefully your friend can respect that.” You can suggest one-on-one time with your friend or large group hangouts only, for example.
“You still get to be their friend and be around them, but there’s certain things that you don’t have to engage in. And let them know, ‘When you’re ready for some different type of advice and support, I’m still here.’ ”
— Clinical social worker Tiera Couch
If your friend continues to complain to you about their partner and it’s driving you crazy, Couch suggests saying something like, “I can’t keep processing the same thing if you’re not ready to move forward or change anything because it’s hurtful to see you suffer.”
“You still get to be their friend and be around them, but there’s certain things that you don’t have to engage in,” she adds. “And let them know, ‘When you’re ready for some different type of advice and support, I’m still here.’ ”
Once you’ve shared your feelings about your friend’s relationship, there will likely be a shift in your friendship, Martin says. Perhaps your mate will start hanging out with you less, stop bringing their partner around you completely — which might be a small win in your eyes — or in the worst case, your friendship may come to an end. What you have to remember, though, is that this is their life and you can’t decide whom they date.
“They have their own agency and it can be really tough for them to not listen to you,” he says. “In the same way, a principle of therapy is that people know what is best for themselves and so I think that can be a thing to fall back on. ‘I just have to trust that my friend knows what is best for themselves.’ ”